"All Disney news fitted to print"
Volume 3 Number 2 - August, 1995 Edition
In this issue...
by lar3ry gensch and Charles S. Wong
There has been some speculation recently in some interest of the
Disney company in opening a park on Boston's waterfront.
After a bit of consideration, it turns out that there are many
reasons that Disney would consider such a venture.
So, from the home office in "I'll Sue" City, comes:
- Top Ten Reasons Why Disney Will Open a Park on Boston's Waterfront
- Raw Sewage is SO educational.
- People will pay money just to hear the term "Theme Paaaaahk."
- Leftover tea from Boston Tea Party reduces concession stand operating costs.
- Will move Bunker Hill Monument to park site and install the old Flight to the Moon inside it.
- Disney takes over the USS Constitution and puts it on tracks as an amusement ride all over the harbor to get back for losing Disney's America in VA.
- Celebration of recent catch caught in harbor of lobster that had tumors in the shape of a hidden Mickey.
- Dreamworks was supposedly interested in the area.
- All that wide open space for parking lots!
- Location offers splendid view of lovely Boston Harbor on one side and the equally lovely Central Artery on the other.
- And the number one reason Disney will open a park on Boston's Waterfront:
- Got to find a use for the Dukakis AA figure that was due for Hall of Presidents.
by lar3ry gensch and Charles S. Wong
Imagine the surprise in financial rooms all around the world when
Disneyland Paris (Euro-Disney by any other name...!) announced a
profit (of all things) recently.
At DIS' 'n' DAT, we realized that some things had been happening while we
were on hiatus.
Anyway, we dispatched a crack team to find out what happened, and
now, from the home office in "I'll Sue" City, we present...
- Top Ten Reasons Why Disneyland Paris Finally Turned a Profit
- Eisner mistakenly thought it was an ABC Enterprise.
- Female walkarounds started shaving their legs.
- Lumiere got rid of that crummy American accent.
- Serving wine was even more successful after the installation of Bordellos in Fantasyland.
- Buffalo Bill's Wild West Show's new script had a different American tourist shot every night.
- Two words: Sparky Resigned.
- The trains from Paris were replaced with The Little Engine That Could.
- Changed the name from Disneyland Paris to 'FREE BEER'
- Saudi Arabian prince had his entire harem purchase annual passes.
- And the number one reason Disneyland Paris finally turned a profit:
- They said it'll happen only when "Hell Froze Over," so Walt dropped by.
as reported by Corey Johanningmeier
Now that the Walt Disney Conglomerate owns the ABC television network,
a natural question is "will the programming of ABC change?"
The answer is yes, there is a list of changes and I have used my
considerable psychic powers to divine its contents.
So, I, from the home office in "I'll Sue" City, proudly present:
- Top Ten Changes at ABC As They Get Disney-ized
- Jeopardy, the trivia quiz show, will be replaced by Jeopardy, Jr., with the same format but with simpler questions to interest children and provide fun for adults.
- Lois and Clark, The New Adventures of Superman will be replaced by Mike and Spark, The New Adventures in Corporate Profit Wonderland.
- ABC World News Tonight will be replaced with ABC's Happy Happenings.
- NYPD Blue, a cop show with grit and swearing and occasional nakedness has been deemed unsuitable, and will be replaced with Wonderful Disney products You Can Buy! hour.
- Funniest Home Videos, a half hour of people losing pants and getting smacked in the testicles with various blunt objects, is fine as it is. However, there will be a regular feature on people getting smacked in the testicles at Disneyland.
- Full House, widely known as the "cutest little show on TV," will get the full Disney treatment. More cute kids and pets will be added as the family adopts in a set of triplets and arranges for lots of Dalmatians.
- Boy Meets World, a largely ignored sit-com, will be replaced by Boy Meets Walt Disney World.
- For the Siskel and Ebert show, it has been decided to increase bonus plan payments, as "the fat one is getting feisty."
- Good Morning America will be replaced with Disney Magic Mornings.
- And the number one change at ABC as they get Disney-ized:
- Roseanne, an extremely long running and occasionally controversial sit-com, has been deemed to be dead weight. The series will be cancelled and Roseanne will be offered a job as a whale stunt double on Ocean Girl until her contract ends.
by Richard Wiffen
From our home office in 'I'll Sue' City, we present...
- The Top Ten films Disney Feature Animation Should Never Make
- The Aristo-Katz
- Ollie North and Company
- Peter Punk
- Alice Cooper in Wonderland
- The African-American Cauldron
- Dumbo and Dumbo-er
- 101 Things to do With a Dead Dalmatian
- The Rescuers Do Dallas
- Snow Yellow and the Seven Huskies
- And the number one film that Disney should never make:
- Who Framed Roger Ramjet
by Darren Somsen and Staff
The following was sent to me from Darren Somsen, who tells me that
his staff was very proud of themselves for this list.
He agreed to forward it to DIS' 'n' DAT if they agreed to get back to work.
Apparently, they didn't, but he gave in to them.
He wishes that the credit for this list goes to
Technical Support Hotline for the Wireless Telephone Jack System.]
So, without further ado, we present, from the home office in "I'll
- Top Ten Menu Items Rejected at Disneyland
- Michael Eisner Vienna Sausages - "When all you want is a little weiner."
- Simba Scampi
- Mickey "Mouse Kabobs"
- Bambi Burger
- Little Mermaid Marinade
- Chitty-Chitty Bang-Bang Chili
- Captain EO's Kiddie Platter
- Mr. Toad's Wild Frog Legs
- Mighty Ducks a l'orange
- And the number one menu item rejected by Disney:
- Two words: Walt Cicles
by Charles S. Wong
You may have noticed something odd in this particular issue of DIS' 'n' DAT.
We freely admit it.
It's over a week late.
Anyway, we've tried to make up for its lateness by increasing the
number of articles that we had in the issue.
Unfortunately, we couldn't come up with any idea for the final
After some scratching of our collective heads, we finally decided to
present, from the home office in (yes, you know the schtick!) "I'll
- Top Ten Reasons Why This Issue of DIS' 'n' DAT is Nothing But Top Ten Lists
- Editor has difficulty counting beyond 10 without removing shoes.
- There was a sale on top ten lists, and Editor pays bottom dollar.
- Guess what happens when the Editor writes his articles out on toilet paper and leaves them lying around the bathroom?
- It's hard to get an article past the Editor without mentioning Sparky somewhere.
- Editor also seems to want to mention Mighty Ducks somewhere in the issue for some reason.
- Editor hasn't been getting threatening phone calls from Disney lawyers about his top ten lists lately.
- Editor is auditioning for a spot on the Letterman writing staff.
- Editor liked the All-Song-Parody issue so much that he decided to try it again.
- Editor's IQ is 10. Lucky number.
- And the number one reasons why this issue of DIS' 'n' DAT is nothing but top ten lists:
- [Reason deleted by editor]
DIS' 'n' DAT is an on-line newsletter published monthly by Larry Gensch.
Copyright (c) 1995 Larry Gensch, except where individual copyright is
retained by the authors.
All rights reserved.
Anything may be reprinted in whole or in part with proper attribution
to DIS' 'n' DAT.
With the exception of paid commercials, all incidents, situations, and
events depicted or described in DIS' 'n' DAT are fictional, and any
similarity, without satiric intent, of characters presented therein to
living persons, toons, alleged NHL teams, Rec.Arts Communications
personnel, or Disney executives or lawyers is purely coincidental.
So get a life, OK?
Contributions to DIS' 'n' DAT are ALWAYS welcome!
People wishing to contribute should send email to the publication at
the internet address
Please state explicitly if you wish to retain copyright or anonymity
for any material submitted.
The editor assumes no liability for unsolicited material of any kind.
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF / PUBLISHER
lar3ry gensch <firstname.lastname@example.org>
REPORTER AT LARGE
Corey Johanningmeier <email@example.com>
Charles S. Wong <firstname.lastname@example.org>
[Editor's Note: RecArts is trademarked by some
fly-by-night company on the west coast]
Richard Wiffen <email@example.com>
Darren Somsen <firstname.lastname@example.org>
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